I'm going through a lot. A few mistakes have come to light with our relationship and I think I am slowly realizing why. No, not making excuses. It took the both of us talking over a glass of $5 house wine to realize that we may have denied each other the freedom that comes with being young. Although I feel mostly responsible, I was not the one who ultimately made the decision to..well..
I want him to have this freedom; even if it means my momentary unhappiness. I think we see BOTH of our mistakes as something to slowly digest and heal with time. Now, realize that when I say freedom, he means something else. He needs time away from EVERYONE to figure this out. He is so dependent on his parents, friends, even me. He needs this. I need this. I KNOW it will make us stronger. He thinks so, too.
Maybe we rushed into this in the first place. We were young. Maybe we were supposed to do it the wrong way first. We saw it was there. Maybe we are meant to be. We feel it.
I always tell my friends: "You have to love yourself to be able to love someone else." Yeah, you're thinking, Tyler ..not love himself?...HA! And with that statement I know who really knows him and who sees only his facade, exactly what he wants you to see. Now is the time for me to sprinkle a little sugar on top of my words and eat them like it's the last meal I will ever get. Live them, smell like them, look like them. These have become the most important words I never thought I'd be telling myself..or him.
For the first time since we've gotten together, I really feel like we are trying. Really trying to make this work. It hurts physically. I've lost my appetite. I feel like I'm about to vomit every ten seconds. I can't sleep, work, concentrate. I don't think he can either. So, we chill together. Calmly and quietly bring updates to each other from the other night when we got it all out on the table. Watch Thundercats together. Smoke, drive around. Quietly trusting each other. It's in every word we say. But it's not like you could hear it. It's hanging around our heads like invisible smoke rings. All the secrets we finally revealed still ring in our ears.
If only school had taught us how to study for this test.