C. Marie (whateverwillbx2) wrote,
C. Marie
whateverwillbx2

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Dearest

New York...
Please take good care of Tyler for me. I love him so much and only want to see that he has a great time visiting. I'm a little torn, New York, but I know that going alone is best for him. Yes, I'll be envious (new emotion I've recently learned) and so lonely..but I think he'll come back refreshed and focused. And, I have things to do anyways. Things are light between us, he keeps telling me: "You're so beautiful..Look at us, we're the only cool ones we know!...I'm so glad you're my girlfriend...I love you!" And I: "Well, you're very handsome, and I love you too...Yes, I know we are cool, '07 invented cool!...Don't forget to bring me a sno-globe from New York!...I love you." He wants me to drive him to the airport on Thursday.

I didn't understand why he thinks he won't want to get a place together, but then I saw that he had never lived on his own before. One has to support themselves first, before thinking of sharing that responsibility. (BUT IT WOULD SAVE SO MUCH MONEY) (...ha ha!) I want him to make himself proud. Hell, now that I think about it I'd rather have my own place too. I just worry too far into the future for those worries to be significant. Curse of the Aquarius.

The other morning I prayed to ______. (basically, the Universe) Now, New York, I know what you're thinking.."Prayed?!" Trust me, religion puts a nasty taste in my mouth, but I was talking to a friend of mine about weird ideas and universal energy. Sounds like a bologna sandwich. He asked me why I was so uncomfortable with the idea of a god. Well, I hate that we are supposedly obligated and that any good feelings have to be personified and bad ones controlled. He revealed that he believes in the power of the Universe. And that maybe I should pray, since I have been having so many conflicting feelings about life and Tyler..so I did. I really did. And I found myself crying.

To be honest, I can have a good art career no matter what. I'm so tired of hearing how I need to concentrate on myself and work hard to do this gallery thing. Fuck you. I am NOT worried about making it. I already know what I can and can't do and my plan for that is well underway. Yes, I could be working on an edition of paintings instead of meeting Tyler for sushi and yes I could be resting instead of going to see his bands play at all hours of the night. Yes I could be with someone that would drop everything and attend to my insecurities.
But I'd never have those little moments, seen those stars in his eyes when he played his best, shared a well deserved pint, or been able to feel confident without hearing a compliment first, and think of how bored I'd be.

So you see, New York, how important he is to me. Keep an eye out for a tall redhead that looks so happy to be there with a cool band shirt on. That's my man. Take him to my favorite pizza joint for me. At least until I can.

See you soon, my friend.
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